painful

have you ever heard God's Word called convicting?
Hebrews says this
"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."


Psalms says that our secret sins are set before God in the light of His presence.


i have to say that this morning, my sins were set before God, and it sure judged my thoughts and ATTITUDES.
in a painful kind of way.


see...there are times in my life, when i think i am treated unfairly.
i have times when people hurt me, and i don't understand why.
i feel like certain people should treat me certain ways...
and when they don't?
i just don't get it.
maybe i use the fact that i am "hurt" to kind of justify the startings of bitter thoughts and emotions towards them.
because, after all...they have God's Word too, and should know how to treat me!


I might even excuse my bad attitudes by saying that i am not hurt for myself, but for my boys, or my husband.


ya. i started doing that yesterday.
it ran over into today.


not like i was up stewing and angry all night or anything, but i will say that facebook doesn't help in this area.
when i feel like i am fine and over something, then i see a comment that reminds me - 
oh yaaa....i can not BELIEVE that person did that or said that!
what did i do to deserve this??
and blah, blah, blah.


see? it even looks ugly typing it!
isn't it weird that you can actually have a physical feeling of...i don't know, discomfort?
thinking about having the right thoughts towards someone can literally bring discomfort to my body. like i am fighting within myself!
(which according to galatians is accurate! my sinful nature and the spirit are literally fighting against each other inside of me!)


so anyways...after i was done spewing out all my frustrations and ugliness
(which, of course, was my right, i mean...i didn't do anything to deserve this! ha!)


i read my devotional for today, September 14, 2011.


here's a little excerpt from it.

Streams in the Desert - Sept 14

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. Mark 8:34 The cross that my Lord calls me to carry may assume many different shapes. I may have to be content with mundane tasks in a limited area of service, when I may believe my abilities are suited for much greater work. I may be required to continually cultivate the same field year after year, even though it yields no harvest whatsoever. I may be asked of God to nurture kind and loving thoughts about the very person, who has wronged me and to speak gently to him, take his side when others oppose him, and bestow sympathy and comfort to him. I may have to openly testify of my Master before those who do not want to be reminded of Him or His claims. And I may be called to walk through this world with a bright, smiling face while my heart is breaking. Yes, there are many crosses, and every one of them is heavy and painful. And it is unlikely that I would seek out even one of them on my own. Yet Jesus is never so near to me as when I lift my cross, lay it submissively on my shoulder,and welcome it with a patient and uncomplaining spirit. He draws close to me in order to mature my wisdom, deepen my peace, increase my courage, and supplement my power. All this He does so that through the very experience that is so painful and distressing to me, I will be of greater use to others. please tell me that i am not the only one that struggles with this!! i have to NURTURE kind and loving thoughts about the very person who has wronged me. i found this definition of nurture - to feed and protect. yikes! interesting. i have to be feeding and protecting those kind and loving.. get this. THOUGHTS! not actions...which can be done hypocritically and with a rotten attitude. but my thoughts. wow. i find it interesting that i can think of myself as a strong, independent woman who can handle anything. then i can't even control my stinking thoughts from people who are wronging me. that is not strong. that is weak. BUT...fortunately for me, i have this loving reminder from an amazing Father who knows that i am weak... HE tells me that i can take pleasure in my weaknesses, because when i am weak, HE is strong. so thankful for the fact that i have God's Word to remind me of where i need to be. because, although i think that it feels good when i talk about how i was hurt,  it is very short-lived. it does not feel good. it feels rotten. it's just like when you go running. it hurts when you are running.  when you get cramps, when your legs are aching... but when you are finished?  you feel amazing. stronger. accomplished. same way here. let God's Word be a light to you, and convict you. even though it hurts when you read it and when you act it out. when you are finished?  you will feel amazing. stronger. accomplished.