what is happening

i am finding myself in a place i don't really want to be.
a place that i never meant to get to.
and a place that i'm ready to leave now.

growing up, i was always taught that money did not make you happy.
i was taught that possessions will not bring fulfillment.
i believed it.
i still do.

i was raised to believe that what people thought of me did not matter.
what God thinks of me is the only thing that matters.
i believe that too.

here i am now.
an adult.
in my cough*early*cough thirties.
i have 2 boys of my own, and i am raising them the same way.
i want them to know the importance of those truths.

while there have been some days that i've struggled with the fact that i don't own my own home. not necessarily feeling like less of a person because of it? (turns out, almost every group you are in, this is what defines you) but feeling like people definitely think that i am less of a person because of it.

this is not what i am having issues with tonight.

it is with being dissatisfied.
there. i said it.

i don't mean the kind of dissatisfied that comes from coveting after a friend's new car.
or the kind of dissatisfied that is having me run to the gas station for a lotto ticket.

it was kind of a subtle, tricky, didn't-even-see-it-coming dissatisfied.

it has to do with.
people.
and people's things.
but disguised in a way that didn't really hold the name of "possessions"
or "money"
which is where i was duped.

in the photography world, there is always a new camera, new glass or new bag to buy.
for sure.
and while it is in the form of a possession, it can easily be justified and written off.
this is not what i'm talking about either though.

also in the photography world, there is always. always. always. some other way to upgrade.
a new logo,
new branding,
new blog,
new website,
new business cards,
new marketing ideas,
new take-up-all-my-time-and-suck-the-ever-loving-life-outta-me!


when is enough enough?
the difficulty with being a photographer is that you are always home when you are working on editing, on the website..and everything else.
so sometimes you don't realize how long you are spending on it.

but it doesn't stop at photography.
it goes into regular old life.

reading this person's blog and noticing that she has a new background.
looking on pinterest and seeing that maybe you should start making that for dinner
seeing someone update their facebook status with how they are finally fulfilling all their huge dreams.

all the time, i am becoming more and more dissatisfied without even realizing the name of what i have become.
because see...
i am not even feeling like i want a possession.
i am not feeling like i wish i had more money.
or that i could travel more.
that would be easy to see where i was in the wrong.
this was different.

it was the constant need for

*approval*

i mean, isn't this why facebook has taken the word "like" to a whole new level?
everyone. wants everyone else. to "like" everything. every picture. every stupid thought!
and now you can even "like" a blog post, start following one, share something that this person shared with everyone you know.

it's all about getting approval from everyone.

what is happening??


i know.
in my heart of hearts.

that the only approval that even matters is
God's.

and when i am spending so much time on my stinking computer, that i am neglecting any other thing or person in my life that i used to put first?
and when i'm off my computer but thinking about everything i have to do on it, and how fast i can get back on my computer? you know...for an important reason. to see how many people like my post?
i am not.
getting God's approval.

i know i'm not.

but i have not seen it!
it's been staring me in the face, and i have been ignoring it.

here's some ugly truths.

"that which we...desire and long after...and strive for and think of the most is our god"


"what each one honors before all else, what before all things he admires and loves, this for him is God"


"whatever thy heart clings to and relies upon, that is properly thy God"


"your god is what you love, seek...and allow to control you"


"anything that is taking time away from spending time with my God is a potential god."


i just want to stop.
i just want to stop seeing everyone else's lives and what they are doing.
i don't need to know it!
i don't want to see all the updated blogs and websites and lives!
the people who are my real live friends will text me if they have something important to share!

i want to serve God.
i want to wake up with an intense desire to get into the Word.
i want to be holding fiercely onto my God. so much so.. that nothing else will come before HIM.
i want to be driven.
by that. and that alone.

i am finding myself tired. frustrated. and not even understanding why.
until now.

i love Psalms 90:14 that says
Satisfy us early in the morning with your unfailing love. that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

yep.
i want that.
i want to sing for joy tomorrow and be glad all my days.

it has to start with a choice.
with a choice that says i will be satisfied with Jesus.
i will be seeking approval from Jesus.
i will not allow the pull of the world's cry for status and likes to drive me!
who cares how many people like my photography page?!
who cares if i never have another comment left on my blog again.
i will not allow it to take up residence in my mind!
and for me, personally.
i am not turning on my computer tomorrow.

enough is enough.