emotions emotions emotions

i am normally totally chill when it comes to keeping my emotions in check.
i don't cry a lot and can pretty much hold it all together really easily.

the past week, however, i have felt like i could lose it at any given moment.
i had some health concerns.
(in addition to my back which has been really bad for going on 2 weeks, and a headache every day for the last 5 days)
they were the kind of health concerns that you could really lose sleep over.
the kind of health concerns that required some doctors visits and uncomfortable tests.
the type of thing where i was starting to think...what would happen to the boys if i'm not around...
what would adam do if i...ok. ok. ok!!!!!

it's been the kind of week where i would have to start yelling at myself in my head to just
stop thinking!
i was allowing my thoughts to think the worse and i was starting to allow fear to creep in.

i know.
whenever i start to have these feelings of fear that GOD has not given me the spirit of fear!!
so if i start feeling it? i know it is not from God, and i know it is wrong.

today i sat in a room with a doctor with my hands gripping the chair underneath me.
bracing myself.

and when i heard the words that every test had come back normal...
i had all i could do to not burst into tears.
tears of relief.
tears of thankfulness.

as i walked out of the hospital, i also started having feelings of sadness for the other women who have walked out of the same kind of building with the opposite kind of news.

after one test, the nurse asked me as she was leaving...
are you going to be ok? are you alright if i leave you in this room by yourself for a few minutes?
and i paused.
and said. yes. i'm fine.

because honestly? i was.
it was a peace i felt knowing that Jesus was already in my tomorrow.
He was right there with me. and when i would allow myself to hold onto those thoughts instead of the dark, fearful thoughts...
i really was fine.

it's an amazing feeling, this peace.
i don't know why i choose the fearful feelings over the peaceful ones.

i am incredibly thankful for those of you who were praying for me.
i felt it, and i totally mean that.
i literally felt your prayers.

and then life didn't just stop. you know, it never does...
i had to drive to the porch. (after a stop at dunkins. i thought i had earned it!)
and switch gears and give my full attention to every teen that needs me.
and then i had to go home and make dinner before i ran to praise team practice where i got to sing and worship.
and then we drove to young adults group where i listened, and shared and prayed.
and then i came home and put the kids to bed.
and then i looked at the clock and said...oh no!! i haven't blogged yet!
so here i am.
and now i am going to get off this computer and maybe let it all out...
all those emotions that i have been holding in and didn't know what to do with.

poor, poor adam. haha!!

good night everyone.
hope you have a peaceful week.