dealing with disappointment

i really don't like to open myself up too much on my blog.
or in real life either.

but i thought i would open up just a little bit and hopefully encourage someone who may be feeling some of the same things that i have been feeling.

a few years ago i wrote about a decision adam and i made when it came to our living situation and adam's job. we knew that by him taking a job at the church, we were most likely giving up the chance of buying a house. (you can read about that here)
i have really felt very content with where we are and confident that we are where God wants us.

back in february, we saw a house go up for sale.
it was in epping, actually on the street we live on, and was walking distance to the porch.
it was a big, old, beautiful house. i have always loved old houses, and the more we looked at it, the more i found myself wanting it.
which is weird, because i hadn't even thought about the potential to buy and i was totally fine with that.
we prayed about it a lot, sought counsel and decided to put an offer on it.
we went back and forth a little bit with the bank (it was bank-owned), their realtor said he would tell us if anyone else put an offer on it..which he did not. and before we knew it, it was off the market and gone before i had even had a chance to plan where the christmas tree would go.

so it was disappointing. i decided that we would just move on, not knowing what God had in store, but trusting.
a couple months later...what do you know? the house was back on the market. things had fallen through with the other buyer. ok.
now what? so we decided to put an offer on it again. we went back and forth with the bank.
i spent some time with a friend from church at the house...on the front porch. just praying. praying for the town, praying for God's will, praying that God would see fit to give us this house we wanted!
we were only $7,000.00 apart from our offer and the banks. i did have time to plan where the tree was going to go this time, and i was practically moved in! it was a friday. we were at the porch, and at 4:00 we countered back with the bank. i thought...this is it! we are going to get this! i can't believe it!
at 5:30 we got an email from the realtor.
someone else had put an offer in that the bank liked better. it was off the market again.
say what?
i did not understand. at all. it seemed like it was going to work out, and for me...
thinking about starting another school year with the small space that we are in now, was getting too hard to even think about.

so that was it. and i guess it's just not meant to be. and you know...God has something better, and blah blah blah (no disrespect intended)

so 2 weeks ago, guess what.
the house was back on the market. is this bizarre or what?
because of my frustration, and disappointment already with it, i was just like over-and-out with this house.
but anyways...we decided to put an offer, yet again.
we go to the office. sign all the papers.
and wait.
as much as i was trying not to get my hopes up, it was hard not to.
we get the call 2 days later.
the bank rejected the offer with no counter.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
frustrations, much?
you know, normally i read these nice little stories about the way that things didn't work out, didn't work out, didn't work out...then they end with - but then it worked out better than we could've dreamed!

this little story doesn't end that way.
it ends with disappointment again.
i'm not trying to be whiny here.
i'm just keeping it real.
life is full of disappointments. things that happen in life that just make no sense.
and in spite of it all, we have to keep moving forward.
we have to still raise our boys to trust God.
we have to continue with the porch, and other ministries we are doing at the church.
we have to keep moving.
we have to go from saying things like...you can trust God with your life
to actually trusting God with your life!
(which is much harder to do when you aren't getting your way! ha!)

i have really enjoyed my reading through I John lately. it talks about the love of God.
and the fact of the matter is...
God's love for me is amazing, and real and strong.
when i realize that love...i don't have to wonder about anything else, because i trust him.
and that's all. i trust that when he promises to never give me more than i can handle? He means it.
and when he promises to never leave me? He means it.

so today...
in spite of my feelings.
in spite of the huge amount of disappointments, frustrations, questions and everything else running through my head...
God is still faithful. God is still loving. and God is still in control.

and there is no point me getting all upset about something i can't control.
i need to keep moving forward.
keep smiling, keep laughing, keep pushing on...
and keep trusting.
trusting a God whose love for me, i can never comprehend, but i know i couldn't live without.
and yes. sometimes it is easier to say it than to do it.
but it always feels better when i trust!