when there is so much to say...

sometimes life can come up on you in a mean way.
sometimes you start losing your focus.
sometimes you let feelings get the best of you...


even though you know that life is not easy
even though you know that the only thing you need to focus on is the eternal
even though you know that your heart is deceitful above all things.


i go back and forth with what to say on my blog sometimes.
because i want to be open and real.
i also will never ever use my blog as an excuse to "vent"
i will never use it to preach to a particular person, or use it to even imply anything about a specific person.


so i try to be...generic, i guess.


with that being said.


i am a real person.
i do have real feelings, and even though i am not your typical girl in that i am not a crier...generally.
i am a typical girl in that i do feel like crying sometimes!


in the past 2 weeks i have cried more than normal.
and it feels...weird.


i think that when you are hurt, you tend to justify what you are "allowed" to do.
you start feeling like you don't deserve this, so you will do...fill in the blank.
and that is where i have felt myself starting down the path of.


BUT..i am fortunate to have people in my life that don't let me go far down that path.


i got a text yesterday from one of my homegirls that said
rachelle...don't be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. praying for you today.


i got a phone call from my brother who laid down the law.
i am holding on to peace. it's mine to possess. i just need to accept and claim it.


my husband, my parents and my siblings, my niece and my friends have all encouraged me to not allow these attacks to get to me.


see...the thing that is hard for me is not the KNOWING part.
i know that satan is working overtime on me
i know that he is threatened by the fact that we are having a huge amount of kids come to the porch every day where we are demonstrating God's love
i know that he is threatened by the fact that we are starting a pregnancy center,
i know he wants to destroy my friendships, my marriage, my life.


I KNOW


sometimes knowing is not the problem.


it's claiming God's promises...


to give peace
to forgive ME so i can forgive OTHERS
to give me grace to love
to give me strength to go on in spite of how hurt i might feel
to give me the power to not excuse and justify my own sin
to give me the ability to be slowwww to speak
to give something to Him, then walk away and just trust Him


he promises me so much.
so this morning i woke up...


and i chose life.


deutereonomy 30:19 says

Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life...!


see, it's my choice! 
that is amazing in and of itself.
God is giving me a choice. he is not forcing this on me, even though he KNOWS what is best. he lets me choose.


i can either have a blessing or a curse.
and for some reason. 
so many times...i choose a curse! i choose death!


i don't want to do that.


i will choose to follow and obey no matter how i am feeling


i will choose to trust even when everything inside of me is fighting to do the opposite


i will choose to hope even when i am in pain


i will choose life!


because i don't want to look back at my life in 5 years and think...was it worth it? was holding on to bitter feelings worth it? did it make my life better?


because i already know the answer to those questions.


no! it won't be worth it! 
it won't make my life better.


following God's way is always the better choice.
always.


so today.


i choose life.
i choose blessings.


what are you gonna choose?