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Tuesday, July 23, 2013

old houses are for the birds...literally

i am close to 100% sure the sole purpose of my life is to go through ridiculous situations to bring humor to the life of you...my readers.
and i think i should make a new subject label for the side of my blog...
like - adventures in an old house?
or..animal adventures.
you have any ideas? lay 'em on me.

i could not possibly be making this stuff up.

so you know about the bat.

you know about the birds.

i know that at this point, i am just a little bit paranoid.

but last night at about 10:00, aj was in the kitchen putting his snack dishes in the sink.
riley was downstairs brushing his teeth.

i hear riley say...mom?? what was that noise??

i say..what are you talking about?

he says...very funny mom!

i say...no. i literally have no idea what you're talking about.

then i hear it.
i wish i could record my voice making the sound right now to give you an idea of what it was.
but aj ran into the hallway and says...
what. was. that?

it was like a high pitched screeching noise.

fortunately, and for what used to be an unknown reason, and now is QUITE known, there are doors on every single room in this house. 
dining room, living room, family room, hall.  
so. we did the adult, responsible thing.

closed the door and went to bed for the night...
with one eye open.

i was NOT going to try and find a bat in the dark.

unfortunately, i had been editing pictures of the scadding wedding for 3 hours, and i had a headache and a half. 
guess where my ibuprofen was?
yep. in the library.
with the bat.
and colonel mustard. ha.

so. this morning.
please picture this. it will be worth your time with the laughs you will get.

me and adam.
went out the side door, and around to the barn to get tennis rackets.
yes, you read that right.
he has childhood memories of his mother walking around with a tennis racket to fight of bats.
if it worker for her, it could work for us.

so there we were.
adam in front of me...with our tennis rackets held high.
looking for a bat.
behind curtains, under shelves.

and then i see something move in the fireplace and hear the noise again.
it was not a bat.
it was a baby bird.
that had fallen down the chimney and couldn't fly.

now. before you laugh and mock us for being afraid of a baby bird.
understand the noise

actually, it sounded worse than that.
because it wasn't even a bat. and it was echoing in the fireplace, and into a room with no carpet.

ok. so adam got the bird and put it outside.
which is where it still is...12 hours later.

moving on.

tonight as i was waiting for the bread that i was making to rise...
(with this recipe. you're welcome, kristin.)

i'm pretty sure i hear a loud chirping.
like...too loud to be just coming from outside with windows that were not open.
and then.
a flapping sound in the library.

dude. come off it.
and. since...i guess closing the door and going to bed isn't an option at 4:30pm.
so we had to do things the grown up way.

well, adam did.
him and the boys go in.
and guess what?

it's nowhere to be found.
like literally.
to this day.
as. i. speak.

we had put a board in front of the fireplace to try and prevent any other birds from coming in until our chimney sweep comes this week, and our exterminator comes tomorrow.

i guess that didn't work?

so now. i made dinner with a tennis racket in one hand and a spatula in the other.
ok. not really, but i was freaking out at every single noise and movement.

so i have decided to do the only logical thing i can think of to do.

purchase a zoo license and just open the doors for admission.
i mean...what else can i do?

so starting wednesday.
$1.00 per visitor.
kids under 3 are free.
tennis rackets will be provided at the door.
cameras are allowed.
the more of you the better, because maybe you can find the missing bird.

and then maybe i can sleep.

over and out, people.
over and out.


  1. Hahaha!! Oh my. Crazy!!!! Yes, reality show for show. I'd tune in:) sorry to laugh and find humor at your expense and all these crazy stories!! Love you sis:)

  2. I haven't read your blog all week because i've been out of commission. this seriously was the best post you've ever written. i laughed the entire time. hilarious. great writing. super entertaining. and i miss you so much!!


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